Are you there, God? It's me, Fiona.

I remember, when I was doing the callbacks for "Hairspray" how happy I was, yet it was this half-longing kind of thing. I knew I was almost there, but I wasn't quite, and something was missing, my Link, in a sense. And now I've found him.
But does that mean a happy ending? I am now watching a youtube video of "I Know It's Today" from "Shrek, the Musical". Yet another song about finding "the one" or the "one that will appear". These musical fantasies are really far fetched. I mean, that's what you would think.
I found a wonderful man. But is that all there is? I think it's one amazing part of life, but the idea that the perfect man for you will make your entire life complete is a story, a fairytale, a fable. I'm not saying that Pierre hasn't made me a better woman and I am not madly in love with him. But I think you also have to have self-satisfaction. I mean, in the sense, that you have to live for yourself and your dreams, as well as you and your partner's dreams. I'm starting to understand the dreams that he and I have together. But, what I thought was so clear, my own dreams, are really a murky mess.
I wanted to be on stage, and to sing in front of the whole world, but when it got down to it, I just couldn't handle, couldn't do that kind of life, and I had to be realistic. Running around NYC on a wing and a prayer, hoping that maybe, out of hundreds of thousands of girls with more talent and training than I have, I might get a lead in a broadway show was a joke. It was a joke. I wasn't ready emotionally, mentally or physically for that kind of responsibility. I could barely handle a dramatic lead in college. It's funny, how dreams change and shift when you get older. It's not that I've given up, or sold out, or any of those cliches I used to think. It's that I know myself more. Even if I had lost however many pounds it would've taken, I still didn't have the dancing ability or the really high belt it would've taken to get that part. I just wasn't good enough. And admitting that is really hard. At least it's really hard for me. I spent my youth thinking that all I was, was someone who had talent. I didn't value me, for me, at all. I didn't think that as a person I was worthy of anything, whether it be happiness or success. I internalized my anger and took it out on my body that was already suffering because I was so heavy. That was not fair of me to do.
I wondered why people would look at me funny, and it was not only because I was heavy, but it was because I so obviously didn't like myself. And I've seen it in others and it's a hard thing to watch, someone who doesn't like his or herself.
I don't know if I like myself now, but at least I know myself more. I know where my weaknesses and strengths lie. Am I ever going to be on Broadway? No. Am I ever going to audition for a show again? Sure, why not? There's no harm in trying. Will I ever be Tracy Turnblad? No, I'm too old and inexperienced for that now. But I never really wanted to be Tracy anyway. I wanted to be famous, and that was just a vehicle for becoming famous. I always wanted to be, what I am now, in a sense. A girl with a warm, loving heart, who has a wonderful family, a husband, wonderful friends, and is an academic, working towards a career to be proud of. So, through all of the beating myself up about, why I didn't do this or that, or audition for this, or lose that weight, I sit here as a I am. I'm a short, chubby, Jewish girl from New Jersey. I don't have any regrets. I have enjoyed all of this.
Do I need to change some things about my life? I sure do. Do I need to change who I am? I don't think so.