Room To Write Response 1 - I Don't Remember

There is a wonderful book that is a guide for writers called, Room To Write, by Bonni Goldberg. I'm going to use it as a springboard to get myself back writing again. So, here is the first prompt I will try to tackle, let's see how this goes.

"Begin with the phrase, 'I don't remember' and fill up a page. If you draw a blank at any point repeat the phrase in writing, until something else forms in your consciousness. Notice what non-memories emerge: are they the same themes you often write about? If no0t, further explore one of the new ones"

"Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door"-Emily Dickinson

I don't remember what my Papa's voice sounds like. I remember snapshots taken by my parents and put into old brown photo albums that live on the shelf in my mother's living room. I remember the feel of his hands, almost like worn-in sandpaper, with a comfortable strength about them. I remember that he was gentle. Or is that what everyone told me? I can't remember his voice, or his thick, German accent that my Grandma, at ninety-something, still has. It bothers me that I can't remember his voice, because I'd like to hear it right now. I'm getting married in seven days and I'm scared. I don't know what the future will bring, and I wish I had some wisdom from the past to help me put things in perspective. I remember Nanny's voice, and Natalie's, but not his. And I really wish I did, because I think he would have a lot of good insight and wise words for me, and in general. I would want to ask him questions. What was it like losing your profession? How did you meet Grandma? What made you fall in love with her? What was my father like as a little boy? Did you love my mother as much as she loved you? Joanne has such vivid memories and stories about Max. How does she keep them alive? How does one keep memories from fading? Is it a series of repeated excercises, done daily, like Pilates, or stomach crunches? Is it a matter of rehashing the past so often that it sits in your stomach like a rock that can't be moved? I don't remember what my Papa's voice sounds like, and it makes me angry. I don't remember what my Papa's voice sounds like, and it makes me resentful. Why do people die as single units? To leave someone else alone? Why can't we go in pairs, peacefully, in our sleep? I know that the world is not neat and tidy like that. I know it can't be wrapped up with a bow and placed in a box. But, for once, I wish there was some certainty in my life.

the allure of the exotic

So, there is this show that my fiancee and I like to watch together, (well actually he just watches it and I sit with him and stew a bit). Why do I stew? There are two anchors of this show, a girl and a guy. Let's call them Kev and Ol. Ol is the girl and she really irks me. I don't usually bring out the irk factor but this chick irks me to the nth degree. My fiancee was wondering why she bothers me so much and I couldn't quite figure it out, offhand, so I went on IMDB and looked her up. I was curious what this girl's background was.
I was right . .. there's not much there. She is a model who got hooked up with this random tv network that is small and kind of geeky because she's half-Asian and she is interested in Asian gaming, or at least she has some knowledge of it. They are like "HELL YES, THIS GIRL IS SO HOT, I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT GARBAGE COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH SHE LOOKS SOOO GOOD, AND SHE'S PART ASIAN, THAT'S EVEN HOTTER!"
Yeah, funny thing how that Asian thing just brought it up a notch.
Ridiculous.
But guys like those "exotic" women. A Jew from New York? Feh. A Christian from Connecticut? Yawn.
It's funny, she's not horrible, or a horrific actress, I think it's just one of those situations where a girl is admired, adored, and even respected by men on the basis of her looks, and I resent that. Don't we have to work for our successes in life? The women who were just handed beauty at birth don't have even a tiny idea of what it is like to work for success, or for anything for that matter. I don't envy these women for that. I mean when their beauty is gone they have nothing. I guess it's just a reflection on my insecurity about looks and such. Or maybe I'm just annoyed at the idea that I know people who would be amazing on television, but this girl gets in based on looks and lineage.
In the end it doesn't really matter, she will continue her career, as will I. We all have to make our own lives wonderful, and be proactive, and I'm sure in her own way, she does that.
Even if she has the television personality of a wet noodle. . .

Why I Don't Like the Bikini Girl

So, when I watched American Idol auditions this year, I didn't really find much fault with most of the contestants, except one. Let's call her Bikini Girl. I never bothered to learn her real name. She comes into the audition skinny, toned, tall, in a skimpy bikini with a decent singing voice. Simon and Randy are just enjoying the picture and she gets into a diva match with Kara about a Mariah song. I wanted to be like, "honey this is your future, don't mess with someone who could make or break you and your career". So, I thought this week would be better, she's back, but at least she's wearing clothing. I was wrong. She was wearing an UGLY cocktail dress, black, extremely short with some kind of dead bird feathers on the bottom, no tights and hooker heels. She just looked cheap. She sings a couple of bars of "Breathe" by Faith Hill and it was so boring,beyond boring. And of course she goes on. It's such a joke, at least to me, because seeing people in the theatre business I have seen lots of girls who look like that and can project that image, with a heck of a lot more talent, who never get that kind of an opportunity.
And what kind of a story is it to tell your grandkids, "oh your grandma did something that shocked America, she went on a singing competition show in a skimpy bikini and showed America her goodies!" Vomit. I hate when women devalue themselves and their talents to just their bodies. It's like, honey, go on Top Model, there are other people here who deserve your spot a whole lot more, oh yeah, and go eat a burger, you look like you're gonna fall over.