Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Universe Likes to Throw Me Curveballs

I don't know why I'm using a sports analogy here. I don't even play any. I guess I thought that it fit. I'm just sick of the universe throwing things in my face. I know at the end of the day that I look myself in the mirror and as India Arie says, "the only one there is me". However, if I blamed myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life lately, I'd be a self-hating wreck. Well,I'm feeling that way now, so maybe I just should take the blame.
This year has had so many really high highs and low lows, and it's so hard for me to take, emotionally. Just when I seem to feel settled in and somewhat content, there is another strike at me, or another thing turning my world upside down.
Yesterday, I went to my first day of my student teaching placement (that I finally got, although late) and the woman was a crazy bitch. She yelled at students, was beyond inappropriate and was nasty to me. A few things were evident. One was that she didn't like fat people, and obviously didn't want me in her room, and I'm not just saying that, I NEVER play the fat card, but this woman had something up her butt about it.
She also did not want a student teacher, and didn't have time to give one any attention. In addition, she was a frigid,cold, and nasty woman.
I protected myself and I told her I would find new placement. Most people would just suck it up and deal,but I got out of it. Why? Because I needed to protect myself. This woman is obviously verbally abusive, crazy, and completely inappropriate and not only would I not learn from her, she would hurt my chances at succeeding in student teaching.
So i'm out, and that's good, but here I sit,yet again, feeling worthless and angry. Why can't I get a somewhat normal person for a coop teacher? Why are so many teachers crazy bitches? Maybe I'm not cut out for this after all? But after everything, all the classes and work,and determination to do this, maybe it's just not for me? Than what is? I can't be an actress, I'm not good enough and have not practiced in years.
I am stuck, motionless, watching my life go by, and instead of doing what I want. I have to keep waiting while people throw around my destiny like a baseball from person to person,and not be afraid that someone is going to drop the ball.